Disillusioned Grandeur
by Zombie Pigeon
Summary: In a few spare minutes when Relena could be alone, she finds sanctuary in a small bathroom where she can be alone with her thoughts. Regretting her past and discontent with the present, The Queen of the World wishes she never accepted the thrown.


Title: Disillusioned Grandeur

Author: Nataku's Child or Nikki :-P (Nataku@linkline.com)  
Archive: Fanfiction.net (under Nataku's Child) and Nikki's Realm

Rating: PG (simply because I never want a G rated fic ^_^;;;)

Warnings: angst, Relena sympathy -_-

Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Wing, Train's Meet Virginia, or Relena (thankfully. sorry Koos Koos)  
or anything else that might be someone else's...yeah. So um...yeah...don't sue me! ::pleading eyes::

**Disillusioned Grandeur_  
_**By Nataku's Child (Or Nikki :-P)****

_Well she wants to live her life  
Then she thinks about her life  
Pulls her head back as she screams  
I don't really wanna be the queen  
- Train – Meet Virginia (last chorus)_

Relena slammed into the bathroom door, opening it more with force then use of its handle. Quickly locking it, she ran to the nearest sink. Blindly, she plugged it, and turned on the cold tap.

Thin, pale fingers gripped the edge as the sink filled. Relena gasped for air, trying to catch her breath. While her exertion was more from the _reason_ of her run, the trip itself took its toll on her as well.

She wasn't in any kind of shape to make such a run. Lately, she had simply been too busy to take care of herself. Late hours at her desk, back to back meetings, pig-headed politicians, pushy reporters, stress... loneliness...depression... all helped in her loss of appetite. She new that she was getting unhealthily thin, but she could hardly make herself eat when she _had_ the time...

The sink was full.

Relena turned the water off and pulled back her hair. Taking a deep breath, she put her face into the cool water, letting it wash away the tears that started running down her face. They were the reason why she had exhausted such precious energy. She had been hiding them from the people on that other side of the bathroom door.

She held her face down for as long as her lungs would allow. It was cool, calming...quiet. The exact opposite of what would be waiting for her when she had to lift her head...she eventually _did_ have to lift it, when her lungs started burning. She gasped for air as her head came up, leaving the cool haven.

There was a mirror across from the sink. Before she could turn away, she saw her reflection. Water was dripping off of her face, taking her makeup with it, leaving pale streaks across her face. Droplets of water, clouded with color, fell from her chin, making small puffs of peaches and reds in the sink below.

Relena watched as her vibrant, youthful face flowed away, leaving a pale, tired woman behind.

23.

Not taking her eyes off of the dull, lifeless ones in the mirror, Relena took a paper towel from the dispenser on the wall. She unplugged the sink and let the water drain before she turned it back on to soak the towel. She removed the last remnants of makeup with it before dropping it in the trash.

She looked again to the mirror...

...And tears welled up in her eyes.

23!

Her skin was pale and her face, thin. There were dark circles under the once beautiful, clear blue eyes, and thin lines were already forming at the corners...she had even lost the innocent, childish gleam they once held... 

Lord...when had she grown so old?

She was only 23!

The tears fell, streaking down the cheeks that had lost their youthful roundness. Her hand quickly flew to her mouth to stifle a sob, her other hand griping the sink so tightly that her knuckles whitened. Painted nails scratched against porcelain.

She bowed her head and wept, her hair streaming over her shoulders to stick to the now rapidly falling tears.

She wasn't sure why she had begun crying. After the end of one of her countless meetings she started to feel a weight on her chest, making it hard to breath. When her eyes had started to burn with the threat of tears, she quickly excused herself.

Now, in the safety of the bathroom, where no one could see her, she let herself let go.

In the back of her mind, she had always known that she had been taking on too much. But she also knew that if she didn't, no one else would, and the world would once again fall to darkness. She still hoped that one day, they would learn that they didn't have to rely on her, but they still wanted someone to lead them...

Better her, then another Treize wannabe bent on world domination.

Her tears began to slow. She looked herself in the mirror and winced. Her tears had made her red and puffy. She turned the tap on again and splashed cold water on her face. As she was drying it, she noticed that the front of her coat had gotten wet.

*Great...*

She removed it and threw it behind her in a moment of out of character carelessness. She had only a sleeveless silk shirt underneath and the bathroom was cold, being mostly tile. She shivered...

*Cold...cold, tired...alone...* her eyes burned.

Constantly surrounded by people...yet always lonely. Politicians, the press, her secretary...none of whom she could talk to personally. Of the Gundam pilots, she had only gotten to know Heero and Quatre. Heero had disappeared after Mariemaia was taken care of. Though she was sure he would show up if she were in mortal danger, he hadn't yet dropped in just to chat...and the chances of it happening any time soon were less then dim. Quatre was busy himself, both with politics and running his family's business. It was hard to get him for a peace conference, let alone a personal heart to heart.

And then, there was Miss Noin...

Lucrezia Noin, who had been her bodyguard throughout most of the Eve Wars, was her best and most trusted friend. She told Noin everything. Noin had been there with a soothing voice and a tissue when life was looking bleak... Relena had begun thinking of her as the older sister she never had. But after Mariemaia's war, Noin went off with Zechs to help with the Terra Project. Though they had tried to keep in touch, they both got too busy...it had been months since their last call...

Relena wasn't surprised that she had begun to cry again. "I need you Noin..." she whispered through shaking lips. "I want to talk to my oneesan..."  
[1]

Relena's knees weakened as her tears fell faster. She slid to the floor and covered her face with her hands. Breath came in gasps as her lungs tried to fill in-between sobs.

"Why?" she muttered, wiping a hand across her streaming eyes. "Why do I have to do this?!" she yelled, giving up on drying her eyes. She brought her knees up to her chin and hugged her legs.

"I just want to be normal! I want to make mistakes, do stupid things, hang around with the 'wrong crowed'... I want...I want to go out on stupid, meaningless dates without the press asking about marriage..." her voice grew soft, longing. "I want to have to tell people my name. I want to watch sad movies with friends and eat junk food...I want...friends..."

"I just want to be normal..." she mumbled, drying her eyes as the flow stopped.

'The average girl would probably flip over this.'_ It felt like eons since she had said that. She had almost forgotten that she had._

*Well,* she thought. *I think that this counts as flipping. Maybe I'm nearer to normal then I thought.* she held her legs tighter. *Who am I kidding...I'll never be normal...I will always be known as Queen Relena.*

Queen Relena.

Though she had finally stopped the people from calling her that, it was imbedded in the people's minds. They would always look up to her. They would always admire her. They would always love _their_ Relena. While to some, the thought would be comforting. To her, it was stifling.

Daughter of the Earth, Friend to the Colonies...

She would always be seen as an idol, a hero. Every move she made was watched. Every word she said was recorded. If she made one mistake, the world would know... If she made one wrong move, the people would suffer. They trusted her with their lives. Their fate and well-being rested on her shoulders.

The most powerful, influential person in the world...The Joan of Arch of her time...The girl, who at 16, was the key person in bringing peace to the Earth and Colonies...The Queen of the World, in the eyes of her people.

An orphan, who lost her adoptive father when she was only 15. A scared, lonely 23-year-old girl who had exceeded her breaking point years before...

Was sitting on her bathroom floor, hugging her knees, praying for an answer...hoping for a miracle.

But neither came. Instead, there was a knock at the door.

"Miss Relena?" the familiar voice of her secretary called through the door.

Relena lifted her head from her arms and cleared her throat. "Yes?" she called back, her voice clear, unclouded by the tears she had forced to a stop.

"Your 2:30 meeting is in a few minutes. Are you feeling ill? Should I reschedule?"

Relena took a deep breath. *Actually, I would like you to cancel everything for the next month, I'm going to the Bahamas.* it was a nice dream, albeit an impossible one.

"No," she replied. "I just need to freshen up. I only need a moment."

"I will wait to escort you in the hall, then."

When the footsteps faded, Relena stood and looked in the mirror. Though she had gotten redder and puffier, she still managed to look pale and tired.

With a sigh, she retrieved her coat, along with her makeup. Through the miracle of cosmetics, she gave her skin a healthy glow; her lips a pinkish tinge, taking off some of the years that stress had piled on her looks; managed to hide not only the dark circles under her eyes, but the blotchy redness on her cheeks from crying as well.

She couldn't do anything for her blank eyes. But if they didn't notice them four years ago, they wouldn't notice now. She put on her now dry coat, and with one last glance at the mirror, left her temporary haven.

As she walked down the halls with her secretary, Relena held her chin high.

Relena Darlian-Peacecraft was determined to stay strong for her people. Though they were slowly destroying her, they were the only thing that she still lived for.

The End

[1] Oneesan – older sister (in Japanese)

Author's after note:

This was a _real _challenge for me. Anyone who knows me or has read my fics, knows that I'm not a fan of Relena's, to be sure. I did this 'cause 1. I wanted to see if I could do a serious Relena centered fic and 2. I thought of her when I was listening to Train's Meet Virginia. I hope ya liked this, it was...interesting to write ^_^;;;

Love and wishes for feedback,  
Nikki :-P or Nataku's Child


End file.
